We Should Have Been Divorced

I've been divorced for over 15 years, and a fact I learned when my ex-husband and I started the process still stuns me today.

Our divorce was no less than amicable.  No attorneys were involved, and we drew up our own court papers.  We agreed on everything, including custody of our son CJ.  I moved to another city an hour and a half away.  CJ would live with his dad so that he could finish out middle school and not have to move.  We agreed that I would pay child support during that time.  It was only fair.

When CJ graduated from middle school, he came to live with me.  My ex-husband agreed to pay me child support and did so until CJ turned 18.

What was the surprising fact that I learned during our divorce proceedings?  The judge questioned our arrangement, which I thought was strange.  His concern?  He wanted to make sure that I would be okay financially.  What?  Really?

We had laid out all the facts in the paperwork.  I made more money than my ex-husband, and I could more than afford to pay for child support.  Hmmmm.  So why was the judge concerned about me and not my ex-husband?  I decided to look into this concern.

It turns out that the poverty level for women is higher than men, at least in California.  Usually, after a divorce, the woman finds herself worse off financially.  So the judge automatically thought I would end up that way.  The courts are biased toward women in that sense.  What I experienced then still surprises me today.

What if the courts weren't biased?  What if couples with irreconcilable differences divorced amicably the way my ex-husband and I did?  There would be so much money saved on fees paid to lawyers and the family court system.  Additionally, children are not as adversely affected.  Ex-couples would get along, and court-ordered child support wage garnishments wouldn't exist.  Nasty divorces would be history.

I have had a couple of male friends go through difficult divorces, with their version painting the soon to be ex-wife unreasonable regarding finances and/or child custody.  I would joke with them that "we should have been divorced," because our divorce would have been friendly.  There is no way that I would ever want to be dependent on any man for his money, especially for alimony or child support.  And I think the custody arrangement should never be an issue because it should benefit the child, not the parents.  Divorcing me is easy.