My relationship with my mom isn't as close as it could be, no matter how hard I try. But maybe it's because I don't try hard enough. I can go on months at a time without speaking with her. When she calls, sometimes I ignore the phone because I don't want to chat. When I'm with her in person, I tend to become annoyed with her.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mom. She is the bedrock of our family. None of us ever forget her on Mother's Day or on her birthday. Today is her birthday.
So why does my attitude toward my mom exist the way it does? I would be so sad if my son CJ treated me the same way. There is a psychological explanation I'm sure that is deeply rooted in our upbringing. It's something I've been aware of, and I purposely raised my son differently so that my relationship with him would not be as indifferent. I admit that among us eight siblings, I have the most distant connection with my mom. Why don't I just overcome it, not blame my upbringing, and have a closer relationship with Mom? I don't know. I really don't know.
I think I try to make an effort by helping my mom financially at times. It's not a burden to do that, and I feel it's my responsibility as a good daughter to do so. We were raised that way. Our parents brought us here to the United States for the opportunity. They had pictured having their eight children take care of them in their retirement and old age. Things didn't really go as planned because they were raising Americans after all, and here in America, you're supposed to have a retirement fund so as not to burden your children.
There's also social security, which is definitely not sufficient. That's what my mom lives on. It's fixed and strict. It's not what she and my dad had envisioned when they emigrated from the Philippines long ago.
My own vision is far from that. I don't expect my son to take care of me in my old age and retirement. I don't want to be a financial burden to him in any way. I imagine that I will work until I'm dead, and I will travel until I am unable to do so.
The way we were raised and the way I raised my son are different, and this is where I can pinpoint the root cause of my distant relationship with my mom. It was in the discipline. We were raised in a strict environment, and we were disciplined harshly. There was yelling and screaming and a belt and slapping and pinching and accusing. Such treatment is unnecessary, as I learned during my education when child advocacy became more prominent and prevalent. In our family, there were no hugs and apologies and expressions of affection. And I know this is why my relationship with my mom is what it is. Why can't I overcome it? Even more so, I implore - how can I overcome it? Maybe I should see a psychologist.
Raising CJ was purposely done without the harshness. There was no yelling and screaming and hitting. Instead, there were time-outs and privileges revoked.
Ah, but I am digressing. This post was meant for my mom, in celebration of her. Today is her birthday. I overcome my attitude by remembering that my mom is a good person and a good mom. Her life story and struggles are more profound than the average person's because she was born in one country, had eight children, came to America, and thrived. And all her children are thriving. We are delighted at times when she regales us with stories of her life in the Philippines.
I tell myself that all my mom's actions past and present were and are well intentioned. That's what matters, right? I love you Mom! Happy Birthday!
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